Broken Memories
by Art-Over-Matter
Summary: It's been weeks since Myra left. Joseph knows Sebastian is working too hard and the only time he might be able to get through to him is when Sebastian's moods are the most volatile...


The loud clack of Juli Kidman's heels on the tile floor distracted Joseph enough to make him look up as she approached.

"Joseph, we've got a problem across the hall that you're going to have to deal with. That problem."

Joseph sighed and took his glasses off, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. "That problem" had begun to refer to Sebastian Castellanos when he wasn't drinking. Kidman didn't necessarily know Sebastian had a drinking problem, but she had been around just long enough to realize his moods could be very volatile. At this point, the man had regularly intoxicated himself for such a time that it was when he didn't have a bottle in his hand that he was most worrisome.

The shouting, the raging, the more incessant smoking, the shaking, the breaking things.

Occasionally, the sobbing.

Joseph Oda had known Sebastian for a few years now, ever since Joseph had been assigned to this station. The man he'd met those years ago...was not the man he knew now. Only traces of him were left.

Joseph put his glasses back on and stood up, watching Kidman's back as she disappeared into the hall. He still wasn't sure what to think of her-she was new, and she always seemed to be hiding something. Somehow, though, she managed to get mixed up in a lot of the same things Joseph and Sebastian did.

Well, he knew slightly what to think of her. He liked her. Kind of. A little bit.

He tried not to.

Joseph crossed the hall and opened the wooden door into Sebastian Castellanos's office. Immediately, he choked slightly. The room was saturated with the smell of stale alcohol and, more prominently, cigarettes. Wisps of smoke curled off the heaping ashtray on the desk, so it was an easy conclusion to come to that Sebastian had just put one of the vile things out.

He wasn't even supposed to smoke in the KCPD building, but no one had yet stopped him, so the habit continued. It allowed Sebastian uninterrupted work, which was of course all he cared about.

Sebastian was at his desk, flipping restlessly through papers, glancing at each one too quickly to possibly understand much of it. Though, honestly, Joseph figured he'd about memorized them at this point.

It took Joseph closing the door loudly and clearing his throat to catch Seb's attention.

"What do you want, Joseph?" Sebastian asked, only giving him a brief glance before continuing to glower at his papers. He sounded more weary than angry.

Joseph was undeterred. "What are you up to?"

"Same thing as always."

"Why no alcohol?"

"Ran out."

"Why don't you give yourself a break, for once, Sebastian?"

"I can't." Seb looked away from the papers, to the floor.

"Have you found anything?"Joseph said, struggling to keep from getting exasperated already.

Sebastian slammed a fist on the table, fixing Joseph with a hard look. Ashes tumbled off the ashtray to disappear on the dark desk. "I have to try, Joseph. You don't get it. In some way or another, I am making progress, and right now, that's the best I can do."

In any other situation, it would have been odd for Sebastian to raise his voice-it wasn't a common occurrence-but here and now, Joseph wasn't alarmed in the slightest.

Joseph sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry, Seb. And you're right-I don't get it. But it's not an excuse to ignore the fact that you're a human who needs-just-to live, and have a life."

Something in Sebastian broke right then, and Joseph watched him struggle to keep it from showing. It didn't work, though-at least not on someone who knew him as well as Joseph did.

Sebastian spoke with his eyes fixed on the far end of his desk, his tone careful and carefully distant. "I don't...have...a life, Joseph. I lost half of it when-when Lily died and the other half when Myra disappeared. I live in my work now, and that's all I'll ever do."

"But you'll have to give yourself a break at some point..."Joseph started to say, but his voice faded. He wasn't going to convince Seb of anything and he knew it.

Silence hung between them like the haze of the cigarette smoke. Heavy, airy, unpleasant in texture and smell.

To Joseph's surprise, it was Sebastian who broke it, and he did so in a more typical, gruff, quiet tone. "How did you know I hadn't been drinking before you even came in here?"

"Kidman," he answered. "And you smoke more when you're not drinking." He glanced at the ashtray.

Sebastian sighed at the mention of Juli Kidman and took no notice of the second part of Joseph's explanation. "Well, if you're here to get me to calm down because I'm acting different, then get me some beer and get the hell out. Problem solved."

Joseph sighed in frustration and said, "That's not the only reason I'm here. I'm still your friend and I care about the fact that all you ever do is work. And smoke. And drink. You're not the same person you used to be."

"I lost my daughter, Joseph," Sebastian snapped. "And now my wife. If you think I can still be the same person after that, you're fucking insane."

"Don't insult me. I know this is hard for you and I'm not ignoring that. But I, unlike you, am actually trying to think in your best interest. But if you're just going be like this, fine! I'll show myself out and you can stay in here, wasting away on drugs."

Joseph would have left right then and there, but an outburst from Sebastian stopped him.

"I'm going to find Myra!" he practically shouted, standing violently from his chair. "And I'm going to find out who killed my daughter. No one is going to change that, least of all you!"

Everything crashed to the floor and papers flew everywhere. Somewhere during that sentence, Sebastian had swept an arm across his desk, pushing everything to the floor in an explosion of ashes and papers. The metal ashtray clattered to the floor, along with something else that sounded like it shattered on the tile.

Joseph took a few steps back. "Sebastian-"

"I know," he interrupted, surprising Joseph. "I know." He took a breath and combed his fingers through his hair, a piece of which promptly flipped down into his face. His hair used to be shorter, and always nicely combed back, but Joseph hadn't seen it that way in months. "I just-" He shook his head and directed his attention to the mess on the floor. "Oh, fuck. Fuck." He stepped around his desk and crouched to pick something up from underneath one of the fallen folders. It was a broken picture frame, almost completely cracked in two. The frame had broken in such a way that a two-inch tear had been cut down from the top.

Sebastian carefully extricated the photograph from the glass and ran a finger along the tear. Joseph stepped forward slightly to see what was in the picture. It was Myra, looking a fair few years younger than she had when she'd left, holding a small baby Lily. It had been one of the rare times Myra had slowed down from her work in order to spend time with the family. The tear had reached the side of Myra's face, splitting her in two unequal pieces. Joseph had never noticed the picture on the desk before, but could only assume it was one of the few-if not only-Sebastian had.

"Shit," Seb swore again, sinking to sit against the desk. He stared at the photograph for a few seconds before dropping it in his lap and putting his face in his hands. His hands were shaking slightly.

Joseph found himself temporarily speechless. What could be said to a man who'd lost...everything?

Finally, Joseph stepped forward, his shoes crunching some of the glass against the floor, and crouched to look at Sebastian. "Look, Seb. I'll help you. You don't have to do all of this by yourself. If I help, we'll either be able to get everything figured out faster, or if nothing else, it'll give you some time to get away from it now and again."

Sebastian glanced at Joseph sidelong, his expression guarded. "I could use all the help I can get," he sighed. "As for everything else...I don't know. The longer I stop for, the more time I have to think. It's the same as going without alcohol. I have to stay focused on this, and only this."

"Fine," Joseph said. "That's your choice. I'm not going to argue with you on that point any further."

Just then, the door on the opposite side of the room opened and Kidman stepped into the doorway.

Joseph immediately stood up, standing to block her view of Sebastian and the mess on the floor. "Yes, Junior Detective?" Joseph said, approaching her calmly.

Kidman quirked an eyebrow. "I just heard a lot of noise in here. I was wondering what was going on."

"Nothing important," Joseph assured her. He wasn't happy with putting up an act, but he knew it was in Sebastian's best interest to not let anyone know about this. Detective Castellanos was a very private man and Joseph, for whatever reason, respected that and attempted to uphold that privacy.

Kidman backed out of the room, not pressing the matter any further. Joseph followed, not glancing back at Sebastian.

"Do you need anything out here?" he asked Kidman.

"Not as of yet," she said, pausing to look at him, "though I suppose I have a few questions." Her eyes slid to the door of Sebastian's office, then back. "However, it seems I'll be keeping those to myself." With that, she turned and left the room, the heels of her shoes leaving a trail of noise behind.

Joseph stared after her, then swiveled his head to look back to that shiny wooden door. He could go back in, but he figured it might be best to leave Sebastian to himself for now.

Joseph Oda returned to his own desk, as though everything were still normal.

Normal.

But it was so, so wrong.


End file.
